Being Where I Am

Tropical Depression (Look Ma, I can still PUN!)

I haven’t written much lately. This is because it’s been taking most of what I’m made of to get through life, hour to hour. That sounds dramatic, which is perfectly appropriate, because the way I feel is alien and overwhelming and frequently terrifying.

I haven’t been writing because it’s hard to write about anything but this feeling, and personally, I don’t see my blog as a journal or a place to work through things, but a place to publish thoughts that are complete and will hopefully illuminate something. That’s beyond me right now. I did try to dig into Miley-gate, but even with strong feelings about it, I couldn’t make it come together.

So. I’m gonna stop beating my head against this wall for a while, since there are thicker walls demanding the battering ram of my mental energy. I may post a bit, but it’s likely to be some very gentle, uplifting stories and links, since that’s what feels good at the moment. If you’re not into gentle and uplifting, I’ll understand if you flit away, little (beautiful/cynical) butterfly.

Soon(er rather than later, I hope), I’ll be back and address this depression – and the rest of the world – with my usual combo of vim and vigor and unicorn sprinkles. Until then, I just want to say that I really do appreciate the hell out of those of you who come here to read, and especially to comment, for making me feel like the best kind of company is over for wine and chocolates.

Love,
Jennie

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24 responses to “Being Where I Am

  1. Thinking about you, I definitely know how it feels to be in that sort of funk. Take your time, take care of yourself!! We are ready for you when you get back!! Look forward to every post of yours no matter what you are writing about.

    • Oh, Courtney, thanks so much. I loved your post today about saying what we really mean. This was a (significantly less giggle-inducing) version of that. Here’s to telling the truth until it gets less uncomfortable!

    • Thanks. I think perhaps going slightly insane at least once in a lifetime is part and parcel of being one of “the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time…” I know you know a little something about that. 🙂

  2. Hi hon, I know I have a few of your posts to catch up on… in the meantime, just wanted to let you know:
    1) depression is nothing to trifle with. I hope you are consulting medical professionals to help get you to a better place. (You don’t have to work through it alone!)
    2) I do appreciate gentle and uplifting. 🙂 Every emotion has it’s place, and some days that is precisely what is needed. Good for you for recognizing that, and for being willing to act on it.
    3) I adored your line, “little (beautiful/cynical) butterfly”. It is through the difficult times that we find out who merely ‘likes’ us, and who really cares for us. While not fun, I do find it good info to have.

    I hope you get to a happier, healthier spot soon. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Actually, scratch that – ALWAYS be gentle with yourself. 🙂

    • O Stef! My Stef! <– Hear this like, "O Captain! My captain!" the way Robin Williams says it in the movie Dead Poets Society.

      Anyway, thank you for your kind words, as always. Two nights ago was the moment when I realized I needed to stop trifling, because I was spooking myself and my best people. So yes, I'm seeing two women who know how to help. And – as you'll see in my next post – I *will* keep writing, because apparently I'm not the only one who could use a little more gentle and uplifting at the moment.

      If you were a butterfly, I think you'd look like this: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4iOKhTKH7P4/UQwe37lN3MI/AAAAAAAAEO4/fEbMjemSMYM/s320/butterfly3.jpg

      • 1) I *ADORE* that movie! And that scene. I’m incredibly flattered that you used it in reference to me. Like, totally flattered. 🙂
        2) I’m VERY glad to hear you are seeing people who can help. Awesome, awesome.
        3) The butterfly is beautiful. Thank you so much. Again, truly.

        *HUG*

    • Thanks, Sarah. I guess I just didn’t want people to think I was simply fading away because had no more to say… and I especially didn’t want them to feel like I was ignoring all their stories, since I wasn’t commenting as much as usual!

      Anyway, as it usually goes, I feel like just putting that message out into the universe has already shaken some things up in a good way. So… *hugs* back, and onward and upward.

      • I have been a little MIA myself lately. I feel like every ounce of creativity has been zapped. Granted, my life has been hectic at work. Not sure when that will change. 😦

  3. Glad to hear from you! I hope that you will focus on caring for yourself. Working on the inner self is work worth doing. Take it from me. Six years ago I would never have imagined writing and sharing my creativity with the world. That journey gave birth to so many stories and insights and gave me the STRENGTH to be myself.

  4. I’m kind of going through the same thing here – with the death of a family member. I want to write something, but don’t really. So I come here just to read others work until the mood strikes me again. Thank you for your honesty and once again congrats on the freshly pressed.

    • I am very sorry to hear that you’ve lost a loved one. I send a virtual hug, and can tell you that I (truly) laughed out loud at your post on “eMawling.” I’m glad the mood struck for that one. 🙂

  5. “…and personally, I don’t see my blog as a journal or a place to work through things, but a place to publish thoughts that are complete and will hopefully illuminate something. That’s beyond me right now. I did try to dig into Miley-gate, but even with strong feelings about it, I couldn’t make it come together.”

    Are we related? I have been trying to write a blog about much the same feelings, but the only words I could seem to muster were:

    “I feel like my beliefs have taken an indefinite leave of absence. I can make more sense of this title (How High Can Turtles Climb) than the proliferating thoughts occupying the same space in my mind. Life refuses to slow down just enough for me to sift through commotion.”

    And Miley, Miley, Miley! Let’s just say my philosophers student organization had Ms. Cyrus headlining our discussion and I defended her to the very end, which I know shocked damn near the entire club. The crazy thing was; i was only one of two black people in the club, and by far the oldest, out of nine attendees. I let ’em have it too! Chop chop! Invalid! I’m not certain where you stand on the matter, but the public stoning of Miley Cyrus affected me in a number of ways.

    Anyway, anyway…The journal I am establishing wasn’t the plan for me either, but I think it might be necessary, if put in proper context. I think it’s healthy.

    Jenny, I wish for you all that your heart desires.

    ~Charlie, The Mourning Son~

    • I feel like turtles can’t climb very high. Am I right? 🙂 …But seriously – don’t stop writing! I’ve had that yelled at me enough times in the last few days that I feel validated in tossing it your way. I think readers will forgive a few weak-ish posts more easily than you’ll forgive yourself for letting writer’s block take over and pull you into inertia (that’s how I feel, anyway).

      I ADORE your anecdote about Miley and the Philosophers’ Club (there’s a movie in there somewhere). I am also surprised, and would really like to know more about your opinions. Anyone who describes their rhetorical style as, “Chop! Chop!” has my full attention. And yes, I’m where you are with Ms. Cyrus – the blame and hate that got thrown her way were so beyond uncalled for.

      All that said, I send your wish back your way.

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