And the Award for Most Terrifying Toilet Goes to…

Ha! I lured you in! I’ve been trying to figure out how to do a not-completely-standard blogging award post for a while, and struck gold at the hookah lounge last night when J took a pee break. Behold, the most terrifying toilet in the world! (And then stick around for some very sincere appreciation of my fellow bloggers… you might see your name.)

_____________________________

So, this commode tried to attack J last night. It looked so harmless but then, as he zipped up and hit what he thought was the new-fangled button to flush the thing, he got a crotch shot of toilet water. He came back to our table with a shocked expression, holding his hands over his jeans and whispering, “Don’t laugh,  but it really looks like I wet my pants.” (Spoiler alert: I laughed.) We eventually surmised that the super-powered stream is meant to VERY efficiently clean a dirty booty… but in my opinion, water pressure that can reach the opposite wall is more water pressure than I’ll ever need on my nether regions, thankyouverymuch. Seriously, watch this – it makes me laugh every time.

In other news, I’ve been living a lie since early 2013. It all started when Sarah tagged me in “Old School Blogging: Lists of Five.” I promised her I’d honor my 8-year-old self and forward the chain post – and yet, I didn’t. Now I’m convinced a toilet attacked my husband because I’m cursed for breaking the chain. And I have committed even more grievous sins: I’ve been quietly adding blog awards to my footer without writing posts about them. Last week, I was gifted another award by my vivacious friend Kim, and realized it was a sign from the universe (Kim = the universe, duh) to make good on officially accepting and passing on all the pretty badges I’ve been hording. Because who doesn’t like a little bling on their blog? And more to the point, who doesn’t enjoy some quality community building?! (If you’re dubious about awards – I know, I know – go read my mermaid-friend Dawn’s post “Much Appreciated,” which made me entirely re-think how I feel about them.) Now, on to the bling!

Sarah and Morgan gave me my first awards. Like a good Blogland citizen, I accepted them with full-length posts. (And I was thrilled! Somebody – better yet, two cool somebodies –  knew I existed!) But then I started slipping, so what you see here is the long list of neglected awards from that time on that I’m now combining into one massive love fest. MORE LOVE THAN YOU WANTED.

Because I’m also an only-slightly-reformed rule beaker, I’m going to share the rules for each award in case my nominees want to be on the up-and-up, but as for me, I am going to make the following changes: I will only nominate three people for each award. I’m not going to share any random facts about myself.  (Believe me, I’m doing y’all a solid) Finally, instead of writing a bunch of new interview questions for people, I’ll leave it to all of you to craft your own amusing acceptance speeches. Here goes!

The Versatile Blogger Award – May 17, 2013 – given by Yanniesaurus from The Spinky Kitten

Rules: Thank and link back to your nominator. Share seven random facts about yourself, then nominate 15 more bloggers for the award. Let them know!

Yannie,  thank you for always being so darn enthusiastic! You also have a spitfire grandmother, and I like that about you.

Nominees:

1. Mark from Exile on Pain Street – Your comments complete me. I swear you’re half Leonard Cohen, half John Stewart… believe me, that’s about the highest praise I can give.

2. Wakinyan from Blood and Thunder – I love reading your words. You are so smart, so strong, and so real.

3. Denise from The Mercenary Researcher – You feel like a true friend, Rutabaga! Whenever we cross paths, I just want to meet up in a coffee shop and talk for hours.

The Liebster Award – June 3, 2013 – given by Jordan from Silver Lemon Lace
and October 19, 2013 – given by Marie from currankentucky

Rules: Thank and link back to your nominator. Answer their 11 questions for you, list 11 random facts about yourself, then create 11 new questions for your own batch of 11 nominees (who should have fewer than 200 followers). Let them know! What is this, the GRE?

Jordan, a very belated thank you for this award! You were one of the first bloggers I found when I got here. I adore your blunt honesty, your inspirational posts, and your support of Miley Cyrus. (I heart her, too.)

Thank you as well, Marie, for sharing this with me! I think I’ve run out of ways to say how much I appreciate your take on life, so I’ll just include a quote from one of my favorite posts of yours: “The sun was out in force too, warming my living room through two large windows. A set of laundry danced on the washing line, toes dipping in sun spots, drying effortlessly.”

Nominees:

1. J.J. from All We Are Saying Is – J.J., you are older and (just let me say it) wiser than a good deal of the people here on WordPress. I’m so glad you put up with the rest of us, because I love having you in my community – I can never get enough flower-power support from good men. Indeed, you “make the ladies happy.” 🙂

2. Tim from Flying Here in the Middle of Somewhere – Fellow Southerner! You always make me smile, and that is more than enough reason to share you with others.

3. Ashley (aka Brian) from No, YOU Go Outside. – Dude, you are smart. Smart and self-deprecating and funny and insightful. My only complaint is that I wish you wrote more, so I could devour it!

The Sunshine Award – May 31, 2013 – given by Danielle, creator of Frannyelle Means Fashion
and February 5, 2014 – given by Kim from Building a Life of Hope

Rules: Thank and link back to your nominator. Write 10 fun facts about yourself, then pass the award to 10 others. Let them know!

Danielle – Your site is up but your blog is down, so you might never read this. Still, you were the only fashion blogger I ever truly enjoyed reading – you made me see that clothes are so much more than fabric.

As for you, Kim (aka the universe), you have become such a wonderful part of my community here. From our first conversations to you guest posting during my week on body image, I enjoy and appreciate your words and your spirit. Thanks for thinking of me!

Nominees:

1. Kelly from Excitement on the Side – Kellyyyyyy!!! You get me so amped up. I admire your soul, grin at your fire and courage, and love how you make me laugh. More, please!

2. Brenda from Burns The Fire – I think you are the single best nonfiction storyteller I know. Given how much stories mean to me, you are something of an idol. (You’re also an idol because I tend to idolize people who are simply salt of the earth, and full of beauty.)

3. Paul from Message in a Bottle – I know we only “met” recently, but I’m so glad whenever I see your name. Your words are always thoughtful, frequently touching,  and sometimes are just indefinably more. I’m excited to dive into your second blog!

The WordPress Family Award – July 1, 2013 – given by Cassandra from her name was cassandra
and November 2, 2013 – given by the sparkly lady behind mindfulmagpie

Rules: Thank and link back to your nominator. In turn, nominate 10 additional bloggers. Let them know!

Dear Cassandra,  the one and only: I am still in awe of that yoga pose you’re holding in your header photo. You wrote every day for a year. You quote Pablo Neruda. You are a shining star. Thanks for sending this my way!

Magpie! I am so appreciative of your friendship, first, and also that you extended this happy award to me. There’s no one I’d rather have using the term “family” with me in mind. And, since your daughter is best friends with Emily, and Emily is the first blogger I met in person, you and I are pretty much cousins twice removed. 😉

Nominees:

1. AngrySoAngry – This is my husband J’s blog. He is my only literal family on WordPress. He’s brand new, and you should check out his funny image posts (he is the dark to my light; the cynic to my idealist… he’s also much sweeter than he lets on). I especially recommend this one: “Einstein the Playa.”

2. Tracy Fulks from The Monkey’s Off My Back But The Circus Is Still In Town – Tracy is probably way too cool to accept this award. Still, Tracy, your writing floors me every time. I fell for you over this piece about the All Good Festival, and I quote: “No one seemed to know exactly where the Glamping section was, apparently it was as elusive as a clitoris in a 1970′s Puerto Rican bush.” I should add… in light of recent events, you’re absolutely part of my chosen WordPress family.

3. Katie from The Pursuit of Paulson – Katie! Since I knew you in person before I found you online, I’m adding you to my WordPress “family!” It only seems fitting, since we are both volunteers, communicators, runners, rockers of short hair, and fabulously fun brides. (I think I just did a little accidental humble-bragging, but the kudos all go to you. I’ve still got your story about getting lost on that early morning run stuck in my head.)

The Imagine Award – December 14, 2013 – given by Kat of Me: Finding the Missing Pieces

Rules: Thank and link back to your nominator. Post three reasons you think their blog is creative, add 10 facts about yourself, then nominate 10 more people. Let them know!

Thank you Kat, for this award! You might not have known, but unicorns are tied with mermaids for my favorite mythical creature, so I was pretty stoked to have a valid reason to post one on my blog! Here are three things I think are creative about your site: I love your avatar – that is one striking image. I really enjoy that your tag cloud forms a rainbow. Most of all, I think it is creative of you to use a blog as an outlet for the kind of life issues you are dealing with. Kudos for creating an online community to help you work through raising teenagers and maintaining your own mental health!

Nominees:

1. Stef from Smile, Kiddo – I think it’s creative to challenge your own life to be more by accepting a glove tossed by a green bean… and even more admirable to be the kind of person who deeply values and can recognize the little moments when life, unasked, just fills you up with goodness.

2. Ken from The Weltschmerz Collection – Collaborating with you on recording for Cyanide and Cherries – a collection of spoken word poetry set to original music, for the uninitiated – was one of the most creative things I did last year. Thank you so much for being so full of creative spark that you can share it with the rest of us!

3. Deonna from Deonna Kelli Sayed – I am in awe of your audio recordings. Your rich voice brings even more life to the human landscapes created by your written words.

The All the Pretty Bras Award – April 24, 2013 – given by Helena from Being the Memoirs of Helena Hann-Basquiat, Dilettante

Rules: This one is my favorite, you guys. BAR NONE. It was created by the beloved dark-n-stormy stand-up comic Helena, who had this to say: “It’s awarded to the best-supporting bloggers. (Get it?) I’m not really going to hand it out, but if you want to run with this, be my guest. It’s really just a nice collection of bras. Give it to someone who lifts your spirits and separates you from the doldrums.” So! The rules are to pass it along to three bloggers who support you online and in “real life” (as if there were a difference). That’s it!

Side note to Helena (skip this if unbridled adoration makes you nauseous): My darling, you are my longest term online friend, and the first blogger who ever broke the fourth wall and emailed me. I would never want to imagine WordPress without you and your deliciously dark tales, and I’m so proud that you published a f*&ck%g BOOK! (More on that next Friday – Tip of My Tongue will be celebrating V-Day Helena-style!)

Nominees:

1. Samara from A Buick in the Land of Lexus – Oh, my love. I want the whole world to read you, because there you are with your insightful, brave, poetic blog, just waiting with open arms to love them all back. My favorite thing about you is that you don’t accept bullshit, so those whom you support, you are truly there for, and what you say, you really mean. That makes for fantastic reading and even better friendship.

2. Hannah from Vers Les Etoiles – Hannah, reading your fiction has given me some of my most enjoyable moments online – the ones where I forgot I was on a lunch break at work, and instead found myself fighting, loving, hurting, overcoming… your words are magic, and your craft is enchanting.

3. Lizzy from Big Body Beautiful – Hey, sister-friend! I don’t even remember how we met, because it doesn’t even matter anymore. We’ve shared guest posts, you’ve freed me to love myself better, and I think I’ve even made you laugh a time or two. 🙂 I think everyone could get so much from reading your unabashed musings on appreciating and fostering awesomeness.

4. (I’m adding an extra person here, because it highly amuses me): John from The Superstitious Naked Ape – John, I admit… part of me just wanted to imagine your face upon receiving the “All the Pretty Bras” award. (I in no way expect you to post this on your page!) What I did want to do – beyond the mischief – was recognize you for making me think, but always with a sense of humor and of profound kindness.

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Also – because I don’t have a blog roll – I do want to send big ups to the bloggers who make my inner goddess do a high jump every time I see their names in my Reader. Guys… you are all large enough already that I don’t think you need links from award posts to get new traffic, but here’s hoping I send you some, anyway! See: Aussa for sass, Rara for heart, Jen for a belly laugh, Emily for practical magic, Julie for smarts, Terri and James for travel stories, David for glorious weirdness, Anne for the best kind of feminism, Celi for farming tales, Andra for soulful humor, Oloriel for poetry, Daile for cool-cat-lady love, and Rebecca for rainbow-colored mothering.

And to everyone else, who I just don’t have the space to do justice to, thank you more than I can express for reading and commenting here (always and especially for  commenting). Now – having hopefully introduced you to more amazing new bloggers than you can absorb in one day, I’ll leave you with this:

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102 responses to “And the Award for Most Terrifying Toilet Goes to…

  1. And I thought it was going to be just another dull Monday morning here in Slush Central. See that…wake up with some enthusiasm because you never know what the day has in store for you. Thank you for my award. It’s easy to leave clever quips and sharp lines in this comment section. I feed off the great source material you provide. Happy to have made your acquaintance.

  2. I can’t deal with that toilet. Forced introduction of three gallons of water through the bumhole will not encourage appetite. People will huddle out of the building wanting to go cry in the shower. You would think the owners would clock on when customers are routinely collecting video evidence for their assault filing. But seriously away from that. Thank you for the nomination! Made my day. I will be writing more (procrastinator’s promise). At this point I am just going to accept that I will always, consistently be Brian to you. I’ve embraced being undeniably Brain-ish. Brian’s write consistenly, it’s a good thing!

    • Ashley, I laughed so hard when I read this. I also said “Christ on a cracker!” – which is my go-to swear for when things are just too ridiculous. I have no excuse for why I am a moron when it comes to your name, but the honest truth is that “Brian” is lodged in my grey matter now and I can’t promise that it won’t happen again. If you don’t mind taking compliments from a complete twit, you can still take all my other gushing words to the bank. Speaking of gushing… I am glad you appreciate the true terror of the toilet. Especially how it quietly rumbles for a few seconds before attacking, luring victims into a false sense of complacency.

      In summary: Oh, Brian/Ashley. I’m glad you have a sense of humor.

  3. I thought you gave ME the pretty bras award (and if that’s the case I certainly would have given it right back)!
    I can’t believe that it’s nearly been a year — I’m currently writing a very special story to celebrate (keep your eyes wide!). I count you among my friends, Jennie darling, and I always look forward to hearing from you, and miss you when you are gone overlong.

    • I won’t link to the post that serves as proof, because I know how you love a bit of intrigue. (I did perhaps add the purple script to the photo you originally provided.) Maybe once I finally write that Smurfette vignette you challenged me with we’ll invent an award around that as well!

      I will write more soon, I promise. Your emails are such a treat and I want to return the favor. After today, my grad school fate is in the hands of the gods, and I can focus on earth and my favorite mortals.

  4. Thank you thank you thank you, lady!!! You are the best. A shout out today means so much. I am knee deep in mom town this morning and it is nice to be reminded that people that do not depend on me for food and shelter think I am swell. 😉

    • Mom Town! Woooowooooo! (I’m sorry, I just really wanted to make the train noise in my head.) I’m so glad this got to you at the right time. You’re clearly an awesome mom, but yeah, you’re a lot more in addition to that and the rest of us are lucky for it. And damn do you make a black evening gown look good! Did that masquerade ball just happen, or was it a photo from the past?

      • Was that a photo from the past? Is that code for “Damn, you look better in that picture than you normally do, it must be old.” HAHA. It is from a recent shindig at church. We had so much fun! Love, love getting dressed up!!

        • Dude, that’s code for “Most masquerades happen around Halloween.” Don’t go putting words in my mouth when I’m doling out compliments! Also, every word you say about your church makes me have more intense FOMO. Side note: I have a friend who swears she’s going to have a costume wedding whenever she gets married, and I’m sort of basing all my future happiness on that going down.

  5. Jennie, thank you for shining your light on us and your passion for the work. FYI, I am a fiction writer writing as me for the first time in my blog. Scary and great fun as I get to meet people like you. Muah!

  6. Jennie-
    Sister wife. Thank you for the love, and the acknowledgement. Knowing that you passed an award on to me after receiving it from Helena makes it that much sweeter. And supportive!

    Now I must go, because I have many new blogs I have to attack with gusto. That’s the best part of all of this.

    xo,
    Samara

  7. You’ve been gifted with a ton of awards! Totally well deserved. You’ve nominated a lot of people I really like here, and a few I didn’t know. Will be checking them out now.

    Thanks for the nod, lady!

    • I hope you always know that, because I’m sure it happens every day. I love that blogging lets us reach people we’ve never met and lift them up, and vice versa. (Or hell, even better – make them laugh! I still plan on copying your Naked Christmas one year.)

  8. Fun post Jennie, and thanks for the mention. We are so connected, darlin’. I just edited my blogroll this morning, after months and months… I had blogs that no longer exist and ones that I don’t read, and it needed some updating. You will see a new link with your name on it. I’m not sure who reads blogrolls? I do, but who else? But it’s there. I will continue to add awards, although I too fall woefully behind in acknowledging them! And I appreciate being linked as your Mermaid girl. 😉 I always look forward to what’s on the Tip of your tongue. xo

    • That “darlin'” gets me every time! 🙂 Thank you oodles for adding me to your prime real estate – I love reading blog lists, and have picked up some treasures from them! Have a good night, mermaid maiden.

  9. What a perfect quote to end your list of blog award goodness. Look at you building community right and left! I deeply appreciate being included in your circle of fellow writers; thank you for sharing yourself so fully with all of us – and now, helping us share with one another.

  10. Thanks for the shout out, my new friend (but don’t feel “new” – which a wonderful thing). I am very humbled to be amongst other groovy, hep cats…and gives me new blogs to check out – that’s the real fun part!

    Thank you for all that you share – straight from the heart in an authentic and genuine voice…the kind of thing that attracts a lot of love and kind spirits. You have lots of them here wishing you well.

    Blessings,
    Paul

    P.S bad news (or good news, depending on your POV) on the second blog – I killed it yesterday…gonzo! Will keep ya posted when I get into something that feels more like me than the image that I thought was me…growth comes from pain! (Ugh…why do I get to be so “lucky”? LOL)

    • Hep cat! Holy retro-ism, Batman! (Side note: last night, my husband J told me about 99 times that he was Batman. Oddly, I refused to believe him.)

      ANYway – Enjoy the new blogs! Thank you as always for your kind words, which are why you are listed up above. 🙂 And fine, have your creative process… I can’t fault you for that. My blog has definitely gone through a process of figuring out my voice. When you don’t sound like your truest self, the posts always fall flat, don’t they?

      • True dat, Jennie!
        You must have had a fun night – he telling you that he was Batman, and you not getting called “boo”. I wonder if there is a connection there, or it’s just another “normal” night en la casa.

        Flat indeed – it’s a matter of writing for the sake of writing and not worrying about what the “others” will say. Find solid ground before building the tower, yes?

        Off to the Batmobile…

  11. You are amazing, Jennie! Thank you for even considering me in this list. I am so grateful our lives collided in our nonprofit pursuits! Yes, we rock the short hair like no other. I am honored to know you and to uncover more of your literary and linguistic treasures!

  12. Thank you, Jennie! I know I have been conspicuously absent — I’m in hibernation mode, and will emerge in the Spring ready to write again. Maybe John needs a good kick or something.
    Collaborating with you on Luna was one of the high points of my 2013 as well!

  13. Jennie-babe!!! Thank you sooooo much for the beyond kind words here, the props, the nomination, and your amazing sisterhood-friendship, my sweetie.

    I LOVE hanging with you and to be recognized in this way is beyond wonderful. Thank you so much! You have CRACKED ME UP more than a time or two. Your blog, your light, your heart, and your smile keep me up, sis. I LOVE coming over and getting my daily dose of Jennie. You warm my heart everyday, sister.

    Thank you for being here on this big ol’ ball with me and doing such a great job of sharing the love. I’m so, so appreciative. Warm and squishy hugs to you, honey! XOXO

    • MUAH! I love when you laugh. There are few things in this world that are constant, and your light seems to be one of them. I feel like, even when you’re down, you must still radiate built-up goodness. Let’s dance so hard we make this ball bounce!

      • Awwww….what an AWESOME image!! Dancing so hard as to make this big ol’ earth-ball bounce!! Smiling so big right now, sisy!! I love that and I love YOOOOOOU! By the way, that toilet frightens me so much!! I actually cringed and all I could think of was all of those poor labia who come into contact with it! I know, TMI!! Buwhwwhahahahaaha!

  14. Ah! Sorry I’m so late to this awards extravaganza! You have called out some pretty amazing ones here! Thank you also, Jennie, for the nod. Even though my blog is like 200 years old in dog years, I still get a thrill from these awards 😀

    • Welcome! Come on in and stay a while. Want some chai? Because the snow is coming down… what does CeCe think about it?

      (And I’m glad you still get a thrill! Makes me feel less uncool for how hyped I get about them.)

  15. I swear I commented on this at one point, but I don’t see anything anywhere from me….so….pardon the double commenting. THANK YOU so much for the award nomination. As I THINK I mentioned in the previous comment (:-)) I would not still be blogging if it weren’t for you and your support. Sending out words into the atmosphere week after week with little or no comments can get you down – but when you started commenting and telling me that I wasn’t alone it meant everything. So again thanks for making a lonely blogger feel welcome!

    • Tim! You commented on my “Thank You for Writing” post… they are similar love-fests, for sure. I’ve had a bit of an appreciation theme around here recently. 🙂

      You’re so welcome for the nomination! I am always amazed at how lives run up against each other online. I’ve also had a set of commenting angels – you are one! I don’t know why they chose to put so much time into reading and giving feedback on my stories, but they bring a lot of the enjoyment to my writing here. I’m so, so glad to be one for you, too!

  16. Ahh! I’ve been committing that blogging grievance too of accepting without posting. 🙂 Glad I haven’t been alone in that. I was also thinking of doing one post to highlight them all and your intro was so clever!

  17. Jennie, Thank you so much for that great shout-out. I totally love how you handled all the various awards and can’t wait to check out all these delicious new blogs you’ve introduced. I would say my weekend dance card is now full! All the best, Terri & James

  18. Aw, awesome! This was a dazzling love-fest and I was quite happy to see myself there with the description of providing “sass.” I will do my best! *puts hand on hip, bounces*

  19. Wow, that toilet has water enema written all over it! I’m planning to write a post where I reminisce about my time as an Au Pair girl in Paris. One of my ‘fondest’ memories was the Turkish toilet on my floor of the apartment building. NOT pretty.

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Much appreciated! Found you over on Twitter. 🙂

    • …I just Googled “Turkish toilet.” We are not amused.

      Also, I just Twitter-found you back. A little bird told me where you were! (I’m sorry, my puns are the WORST. If you hate them, you should avoid this blog like the plague.) 🙂

  20. This post just saved me. I have quite a few I’ve been hoarding as well, and had NO IDEA how to catch up and deal with them all while doing proper justice to those EFFING ANGELS who thought to nominate me! I’m so very appreciative and honored….but they all stacked up at once. I know – blogger problems, right?
    This is perfection, though. I love how you handled it. (lizzi will be pleased because she’s quite cross with me about this!)
    P.S. congrats on all your amazing awards! xoxo #SW

    • Yes! SW brain synergy… you can have my ideas if I can have yours. (I also want all your invitations to threesomes… seriously… I don’t want the action, just the compliment!) Anyway – I’m about to do a round 2 as well, because this crazy/awesome blogger gave me 7 awards at once, and now I also have that blingy GOLDEN SIDEBOOB award to throw at some unsuspecting friend!

      I’m glad people love you and shower you with awards, since I can’t spend 24 hours a day worshiping at the altar of Beth. 😉

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