The Hook knew I needed a little cheering up, so he composed this “present” for me. Señor Hookey’s words in black; my replies in livid orange!
Greetings, Tipsters! (OK, that’s adorable, I’m stealing it and wish I’d thought of it first.)
Your pal The Hook here, to brighten your day with my patent-pending brand of controlled chaos.
I’ve been on a roll lately in my new role as the WordPress Whistleblower (Alliteration rules, doesn’t it?), and so I’ve decided my next victim/subject should be someone I deeply admire and respect.
But enough of this sappy stuff, let the revelations begin!
1) Jennie doubled as GSP’s stunt coordinator and hair stylist on the set of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. In her own words: “For a so-called ‘champion’, he was a real pansy.”
I like pansies. Also, taking care of GSP’s millimeter of hair would still require all my grooming talents: I’m a wash-and-go kind of girl.
2) The real reason for her blogging hiatus and home renovations? An epic par-TAY that laid waste to her home, the block, and the greater metropolitan area. “I have seen the face of death,” was how one veteran first responder described the scene.
OK, so this one is true.
3) So great is Jennie’s legend that a cult fan club has been created to carry out her agenda of world domination and rise to stardom. I’d wish I could say more but, as it stands, I have to sever a pinkie for revealing this group’s existence.
Yes, Virginia, there is a secret group… and here’s a sneak peek!
4) Young Jennie once published a cook book for divorced dads that consisted of five hundred recipes for scrambled eggs and hot dogs cut into little pieces and served with ketchup. Unfortunately she erred when she titled the book Cooking For Impotent Losers.
My once-divorced dad taught me to make dinosaur-shaped pancakes – a vital life skill! And he was potent enough to produce me, which took some doing because I emerged fully formed from his skull like Athena. In summary, the cook book title was a misprint. It should have read: Hot Dogs Are The Best, Maybe Add Some Mac and Cheese, and Chin Up You Wonderful Man!
5) To quote her directly: “I’m not a good singer. I sing anyway.” The truth is, Jennie’s voice has been weaponized as the first line of defense in the event the world’s stray cat population revolts.
6) Jennie was the first person to ever be deported from Mexico.
Weeelllll… when I worked there, I did get get paid under the table. Through a complete stranger’s bank account. I also may or may not have lied to the fine people at the embassy about my visa getting stolen. I might or might not have actually thrown it away because the exit date didn’t give me enough time to visit Cancun.
7) Much like the main character in The Picture of Dorian Gray, Jennie has found a way to subvert the aging process. In her case, her blog decays rather than her portrait…
So it follows that this post, being the most recent, is the worst one yet? High five, co-author!
8) Jennie is a wonderful, loving, even-tempered soul… on the surface. Cross her, however, and before you know it you’ll be begging for the sweet release of death. It’s rumored that Eli Roth followed Jennie around for a year before filming Hostel.
I am well-versed in the ancient torture of tickling. J flinches if I even approach his armpits!
9) Vivid Video has been courting Jennie for years in the hopes she will finally agree to star in Tip of my Tongue: The Movie.
I’m not going to Google that name, but V.V. sounds like a classy, upstanding company! Nonetheless, my acting days began as a background peasant girl in Jack and the Beanstalk: The Community Theater Edition, and they ended in college when I made a class extra credit project about going on blind dates with three different Greek gods. (Spoiler alert: Hades will slip you a pomegranate-flavored roofie in a heartbeat.)
10) This “gift” from yours truly has inspired Jennie to rethink her coda, which reads: “I think life and people are good at the core. When they seem otherwise, they’re still worth it.”
You’re not as bad as you think you are, Hookie… in fact, this image seems about right for your level of depravity:
And that’s all I have for you now, folks. To say any more would be to court death. Talk to you soon – though probably not on Jennie’s site…
…because it will soon have decayed past the point of being legible.
Oh, P.S. – I should mention I’ve played a similar game with The Hook before, on 5×5!