Four Facts to Disgust and Delight You

It’s Friday. My brain’s fried. But I want an excuse to hang out with you guys, so here are two terrible things and two wonderful things I learned in the last week. This is kind of diabolical, actually – breaking you down only to build you back up. Think of me as boot camp for your mind. YOU’RE WELCOME. Also: “Mister, I’ll make a man out of you!”

Guaranteed to be the hottest guy you've ever seen wearing a bucket-hat.

Guaranteed to be the hottest guy you’ve ever seen wearing a bucket-hat.

Moving on.

Thing the first: My husband works with a dude who used to be a cruise ship employee. True fact: the cruise companies have their chefs mix trace amounts of laxatives into almost all the food they serve on board. You can’t have clogged plumbing while at sea, so they diabolically keep everyone “soft and regular” without asking permission. When the Royal Caribbean commercial tells you “the sea is calling,” by sea they mean commode.

And you thought you’d spend your time on the water slide.

Thing the second: It’s true: most red food dye is made from insects. You might be feeling superior, thinking, “I already know red velvet cake is colored with crushed beetles. Big whoop!” BUT. I bet you weren’t aware that almost any time you see an ingredients list with red food coloring on it (including “natural red 4,”) there’s a little powdered bug inside. IT’S NOT JUST RED VELVET ANYMORE, FOLKS.

Cake with extra protein! Hooray?

Thing the third (We’ve made it to the happy stuff!): You too, can become the goose that lays golden eggs. Just put on your best goose costume and then try this little trick: if you shake the eggs HARD for two minutes each before you boil them, they will come out looking like this:

maxresdefault

And your family will ask, “Are you a wizard?”

Thing the last: If you have a pair of pants on which the zipper fly has a mind of its own and drops frequently, exposing your tighty-whities and/or day-of-the-week underoos, fear not: help has arrived. Just take an empty key ring, slip it through the hole in the zipper, and then loop it over the button before you do up the pants. Those suckers will stay zipped FOR LIFE.

“Fly Low.” I like that.

And that’s what’s on my mind today! Do you have any life-changing facts or hacks to share? I’ll send some bug cake to whoever’s most entertaining.

Also, here’s a free fifth piece of advice: Don’t ever, under any circumstances, do a Google image search for the word “gross.” I was looking for a feature image for this post, and now I’m scarred for life.

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67 responses to “Four Facts to Disgust and Delight You

  1. Thanks for this. These are four bits of info I will definitely be repeating over and over the next time I get really drunk

  2. I hope you’re not suggesting that I wear underoos and tighty whities at the same time.
    (And if you are, then stop reading my diary!!!)

    • Yes. That “and/or” was composed entirely with you in mind.

      Also, my diary is entirely devoid of underwear-related entries. I need to remedy that!

  3. Well, a) I don’t think I’ll be going on a cruise anytime soon now, and b) that pant trick is such a good idea!

    Now, here’s my interesting fact: traditional red velvet cake doesn’t have any food colouring. It relies on a reaction between vinegar and dutch processed cocoa to make it red. So delicious! But these days all it seems to mean is chocolate cake with a crap ton of food colouring (poor beetles), which makes me sad.

    • I have the pants trick happening with the jeans I’m wearing right now. It makes me so happy! Also, I love knowing about the real recipe for red velvet cake. That makes me want to bake one from scratch.

  4. I really just want red velvet cake now. And I’m sad with myself over it.

    And I WILL be trying the golden eggs! Cool Friday post…Happy weekend! Rest that brain!

  5. I always knew there must be some secret reason for me not ever being attracted by cruises, and now I know!
    I have been mulling over what interesting facts I can share with you, but I can remember only one:
    did you know that there is a corn specie grown specificaly to feed animals like horses, and if you would to eat it, you would pee green? 😀

    • I didn’t know that! Peeing strange colors is kind of magical to me. I was once on a medicine that turned it neon orange, and I felt like I had this cool secret. (Yes, I am that simple!)

  6. Sure as eggs are eggs (are they?) someone has to be nerdy enough to tell you that you can make red velvet cake the way nature intended without resorting to beetles – by using beetroot. Sorry. Really can’t help myself sometimes. Did I say sorry?

    • No, don’t be sorry – that’s fantastic news! I’ve always hated the flavor, even before hearing about the bugs, but maybe if I ate it made the right way I’d be a fan. 🙂

  7. I’m with @gingerfightback. The key takeaway is avoiding that zipper hook on cruise ships.

    Fun post, lady. I’m going to run out right now and eat a bunch of red stuff.

    • Ha! At a party this weekend, a friend told me he is 100% confident his high school added laxatives to the cafeteria food. He said the difference between the school season and the summers off was… shall we say, noticeable?

  8. I don’t believe some of this stuff. It’s not that you don’t have any credibility with me. You do. I simply don’t think some of this is at all possible.

    The gas in Reddi Whip is nitrous oxide. You can get a lovely temporary buzz from it but afterwards, the can is dead and the cream just kind of dribbles out.

    • I want details! What don’t you believe? And I won’t be offended (unless you doubt me on the jeans trick, ’cause I’m currently building a religion based on that item).

  9. When I have a zipper that won’t stay up, I just use a staple gun. That sucker isn’t going anywhere then. Of course, there was that one time it necessitated an ER visit, but I’m almost OK now.

  10. Ooooo!! Egg trick! Going to try that one!
    Airports should add laxatives too. Everything comes to a halt when traveling!! Ha! Great post.

    • Oh my gosh, you’re a laxative advocate!

      …but you’re not wrong. 😉 I think if I didn’t know it was happening, I might actually be grateful. But knowing just makes me so squirmy.

  11. I think I have one more reason not to go on a cruise. I will never eat red velvet cake again and how I didn’t know this little bit of trivia is beyond me. Cool egg trick which I will definitely be trying and I love the zipper trick.
    All very good information to have, even if half of it was a little gross!
    Here’s one for you….use your hair straightener to iron a hem and as for trivia, did you know in Italy the wearing of red underwear on New Year’s Eve is supposed to bring luck?
    I’m gonna give that a try this year….

    • Other commentors have been telling me you can color it with beet juice, which makes me want to do a from-scratch version and see what the real deal tastes like!

      As for your trivia, the hair straightener trick is BRILLIANT. But I think in my imagination, all Italians are so sexually charged that they all wear red underwear every day. 😉

  12. Oh MY! Mi mama se va de crucero el 14 de junio, le voy a tener que dar las malas noticias sobre la comida! Que asco! 🙂
    Glad you ended on a positive note, I will have to try the egg thing! Gracias. 🙂

  13. OK — 1) I took a 12-day cruise last fall…and I have now spent entirely too much time reflecting on the state of my bowels during that trip — so thanks for that. 2) If you don’t have a key ring, one of those tiny ponytail holders works really well to hold zippers up — just thread a loop through the top of the zipper pull, thread the other end through that loop to secure it, and then loop the top over the pants button. Hmmm..now that I read that, I realize that my directions are totally confusing and only a psychic genius would be able to follow them. 3) I’m totally on board with golden eggs!

    • My grandparents just suggested an Alaskan cruise as next year’s vacation. Ack! I’m trying to subtly steer them in another direction.

      OK, that ponytail holder trick is even cooler than the key ring, because I always have those suckers on me. I totally got the instructions, so I guess I’m a psychic genius. Thanks!

  14. ah…thank you for “thing the last”…genious! I have a pair of cutoff shorts I made which are my lucky Kickball shorts…but they have this very annoying problem with the zipper. At my weekly games, I am constantly adjusting the damn thing and always getting some strange, side looks. I am going to use this trick at my games tonight!

    • That makes me SO happy. I knew someone else needed this tip as badly as I did! Let me know what new nickname you receive when they stop calling you “The Adjuster.”

  15. Now I feel justified for inexplicably disliking cruise ships and red velvet cake. I knew about red coloring, but somehow it never occurred to me that all that color on said cake is a million crushed– Okay, I’ll stop. The egg thing is fascinating!

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