It’s Friday. My brain’s fried. But I want an excuse to hang out with you guys, so here are two terrible things and two wonderful things I learned in the last week. This is kind of diabolical, actually – breaking you down only to build you back up. Think of me as boot camp for your mind. YOU’RE WELCOME. Also: “Mister, I’ll make a man out of you!”
Thing the first: My husband works with a dude who used to be a cruise ship employee. True fact: the cruise companies have their chefs mix trace amounts of laxatives into almost all the food they serve on board. You can’t have clogged plumbing while at sea, so they diabolically keep everyone “soft and regular” without asking permission. When the Royal Caribbean commercial tells you “the sea is calling,” by sea they mean commode.
Thing the second: It’s true: most red food dye is made from insects. You might be feeling superior, thinking, “I already know red velvet cake is colored with crushed beetles. Big whoop!” BUT. I bet you weren’t aware that almost any time you see an ingredients list with red food coloring on it (including “natural red 4,”) there’s a little powdered bug inside. IT’S NOT JUST RED VELVET ANYMORE, FOLKS.
Thing the third (We’ve made it to the happy stuff!): You too, can become the goose that lays golden eggs. Just put on your best goose costume and then try this little trick: if you shake the eggs HARD for two minutes each before you boil them, they will come out looking like this:
Thing the last: If you have a pair of pants on which the zipper fly has a mind of its own and drops frequently, exposing your tighty-whities and/or day-of-the-week underoos, fear not: help has arrived. Just take an empty key ring, slip it through the hole in the zipper, and then loop it over the button before you do up the pants. Those suckers will stay zipped FOR LIFE.
And that’s what’s on my mind today! Do you have any life-changing facts or hacks to share? I’ll send some bug cake to whoever’s most entertaining.
Also, here’s a free fifth piece of advice: Don’t ever, under any circumstances, do a Google image search for the word “gross.” I was looking for a feature image for this post, and now I’m scarred for life.