Perfectly Seasoned Meat Sticks

I’m a collector of fine rap lyrics. My recent favorites include, “She’s my Sleeping Beauty, I’ma put her in a coma,” and, “Our conversations ain’t long, but you know what is.” There was also one back in the day, a true classic: “Her booty was packed just like a lunch pail. Holla!

J calls these kind of lyrics “perfectly seasoned meat sticks.” This is because they’re about as subtle as a Slim Jim commercial, and also because most of them have the end game of getting a nice young lady to sample said meat stick. Yeah, you know what I mean.

In my experience, the polar opposite of these junk food lyrics are the gourmet words that make up Spanish love ballads. Let me present, in three parts, my case that no one composes a better love song than Latinos.

Exhibit A is the song Alevosía by Luis Eduardo Aute. Here’s the first verse:

Más que amor, lo que siento por ti
es el mal del animal.
No la terquedad del jabalí, ni la furia del chacal.

Es el alma que se encela con instinto criminal,
Es amar hasta que duela

como un golpe de puñal.
Ay amor, ay dolor…

Yo te quiero con alevosía.

More than love, what I feel for you
is animalistic affliction.
Not a boar’s stubbornness or a jackal’s fury,
but a soul whose criminal instincts fuel my jealousy.
I love you until it hurts
like the stroke of a knife.
Oh love, oh pain…
This love of mine is treacherous.

Holy guacamole, Batman. That’s dark and twisted and… it’s sheer poetry. I want more.

Exhibit B, then, is Mojandolo Todo. This one is also by Aute, because he’s a very cunning linguist. *throat clearing noise*

Tendida, con los muslos como alas abiertas,
dispuestas al vuelo… me incitas,
me invitas a viajar
por lácteas vías
y negros agujeros,
levemente desvelados
por tú mano que juega
por pudores y sudores enjugando
entre pétalos de carne,
el estigma
de tu flor más desnuda.
Mojándolo todo,
mojándolo todo…
Volando por universos de licor.

Lying with your thighs like open wings,
ready to fly… you incite me.
You invite me to travel
through the Milky Way
and black holes
which your hand delicately reveals as you play.
You shyly smear the sweat
between your petals of flesh,
on the stigma
of your most naked flower.
You’re drenching everything,
drenching everything…
We’re flying through universes of liqueur.

Does anyone else need a metaphorical cigarette???

And if that’s not enough to convince you, I submit to you Exhibit C: Eres Mi Religión by Maná.

Iba caminando por las calles empapadas en olvido.
Iba por los parques con fantasmas y con ángeles caídos.
Iba sin luz, iba sin sol,
iba sin un sentido – iba muriéndome.
Iba volando sobre el mar
con las alas rotas.
Ay amor, apareciste en mi vida
y me curaste las heridas.
Ay amor eres mi luna, eres mi sol,
eres mi pan de cada día.
Apareciste con tu luz –
no, nunca te vayas,
oh, no te vayas, no.
Tú eres la gloria de los dos,
hasta la muerte.

I walked through oblivion-soaked streets.
I traveled through parks with ghosts and fallen angels.
I went without light, without sun,
out of my senses – I was dying slowly.
I was flying over the sea
with broken wings.
Oh love, you appeared in my life
and cured my wounds.
Oh love, you are my moon,  my sun,
my daily bread.
You appeared with your light –
no, never go,
don’t leave.
You are the glory in both of us,
until death.

Y’all, I’ll be swooning on my fainting couch if you need me. While I recover from this overdose of romance, please share: What’s the most romantic/sensual song you’ve ever heard?


70 responses to “Perfectly Seasoned Meat Sticks

  1. These magnificent lyricists, they remind me of…ah…the fragrant, poetic posts by the sweetest, most delightful blogger on the planet…the Jennie-flower.

  2. For real? Since I don’t speak Spanish I’ll have to assume that your translations are accurate although I think there’s a good chance you might be pulling the legs of your non-Spanish speaking audience. I wonder if my wife would have married me if I told her I felt an animalistic sickness towards her? Either way, you’ll have to excuse me. I need to take a cold shower.

    • Would I do that?

      Of course I would. But I didn’t!

      And I want to give you a little more of that first song about feeling animalistic and sick, because it really is gorgeous, even though there’s a total 50 Shades vibe…

      “I need to confuse your skin with cold metal
      or perhaps the cruel flash of a fragment of glass.
      I want your feelings to be as pure as minerals,
      or the dust that rides on windy comets from outer space.

      I don’t envy the voracity of your most lethal lover.
      She hopes to love you until death; my intentions are immortal.
      I want the spirit that inhabits your most carnal beauty,
      the light that revives original sin.”

      …come on, you know that’s good stuff! Also, have you ever actually taken a cold shower for that reason?

        • Ha! I’m nowhere near talented enough at translation to make it all rhyme! And dude, I know what a cold shower implies… but I’m wondering, has anyone ever actually jumped in one to calm down? Somebody must have actually done it. Some people are waaaay too literal.

          • “Cold showers”? Totally a 50’s reference (frustration, not fruition; )
            Followed you back from your “doggy in the window” comment over at Joss’ and I am totally lovin’ all the saucy doublé entendre; )
            But, oh my, it is SOME hot in here! It must be true then – what they say about Latin Lovers…

          • Welcome! I’m so happy that’s what brought you, ’cause dogs are simply the best. Or – well – maybe they’re tied with a good double entendre. 😉

  3. What a great read! Clever, clever girl! I read everything twice (cuz, well, I don’t have a refractory period) and found even more the second time.
    The most romantic song? Hmmm…Paula Cole’s Feeling Love is kinda up there in the ranks. Don’t know if it beats a booty packed lunch box 😉

    • I had to Google “refractory period” and now I am once again very happy to be a woman. Our “parts” are sheer magic, and you’re funny!

      Feeling Love makes me MELT. I love singing along and getting all growly and ridiculous right when she says, “With my t**s soaking through this tiny little t-shirt that I’m wearing.”

      …oh, man. Good times, good times.

      • Tee! Hee! “Getting growly” is always good…esp if it still happens after 25 years 😉 (music and tequila help!)
        I love your stuff Jennie…you’re the real deal!!

  4. Good lord, that Mojandoro Todo thingie may be the most awesome song ever. For a romantic song on a mix tape to my girlfriend, I put both ‘I Hate Myself for Loving You’ by Joan Jett and ‘I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Kill Her’ by Guns and Roses. And you know what? We’re still married.

    • The line about flying over the sea with broken wings almost makes me tear up every time. The singer’s voice is just so lovely and sad when he gets to those words.

  5. I have always loved a line in a Bjork song called “possibly maybe” — “since we broke up I’m wearing lipstick again/I suck my tongue in remembrance of you” coupled with the tempo of the song it’s really sensual

  6. Jennie, you and I were cut from the same cloth. You know how I feel about rap. We could have an entire conversation in rap lyrics. We should try that some time.

    Having said that…I love Mana, and that song is so beautiful. I always say they are the Spanish version of The Police. I adore anything music, and you’ve nailed it here, especially with that second song. Phew…I’m off for my ciggie.

    • I love that you know Mana! Do you speak Spanish? Is that a stupid question? Mmmmmmmmana! I like their song Como Te Deseo – it’s fun. 🙂

      And about that all-rap convo – no time like the present!

      “Say, what’s your name, what are you drinking?
      I think I know what you’re thinking.
      Baby, whats your sign? Tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine.”

      • “Would you date me for a minute, before you let me hit it? Are you single? Are you taken? Working toward your education? I’m just askin, I’m just sayin, What’s your current situation?”

        • “You’re looking for a girl that’ll treat you right?
          You lookin’ for her in the day time with the light?
          I might be the type if you play your cards right –
          You’ll find out by the end of the night.”

          • “You expect me to just let you hit it, but will you respect me if I let you get it?
            All I can do is try, give me one chance. I don’t see no ring on your hand.”
            (this is fun, and I’m dancing while I type.)

          • “I heard you good with them soft lips.
            Yeah, you know word of mouth.
            The square root of 69 is 8 something, right?
            Cause I’ve been tryna work it out.”


          • Say your G-in -G-in?-, nobody else is seein, And the freak that your with is in front of you. Bendin over naked and she’s leanin on the dresser – Oh yeah – You’re lookin at her from the rear – yeah – She’s lookin just like Vanessa – the right stuff – Nuh uh, not Vanessa with the singing career, but the X rated video queen, Know what I mean – uh huh – A’ight, here’s the scene…

  7. what a distracting post to start a Tuesday with…well done! I don’t really have any favorites, per se, but two songs do come to mind.

    -To keep with the Latin theme, Quedate Luna by Devendra Banhart.
    -Gentlest Hammer by Mason Jennings. This song unexpectedly came on, shuffling my music collection, while cooking with a past love…the task of cooking was quickly abandoned.

    • Distraction is my middle name. Well – actually – it’s Louise, but Jennie Distraction Saia would be so much cooler!

      Also, I think I want you to make music playlists for my life. Your taste is amazing! The first verse of Gentlest Hammer would be enough to do me in.

  8. In that same Katy Perry song where he raps about putting her in a coma, he also says “she eat your heart out like Jeffrey Dahmer.”

    Like, okay. Who approved THAT?! People DIED.

    I think the most romantic song I’ve ever heard is “To Really Love A Woman” by Bryan Adams from Don Juan.

    “When you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman.” is a line that gives me chills and teary eyes EVERY. TIME.

    • Um, yeah. That song is all kinds of f’ed up.

      Oh man. I’ve been on the baby crack lately, and just reading that line made me tear up and get tingly spine.

  9. Pingback: The Penis Monologues (Pillow Talk 101) | Cellulite Looks Better Tan·

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