George R. R. Martin and Joss Whedon walk into a bar, and everyone you love DIES.
This is the sad story of my complete and utter disillusionment with writers, in particular those who pen scripts for TV dramas.
When I met J, I was woefully behind on my television watching. I’d been all out and about, traveling the world and interacting with other humans, and he was like, “HEY. HONEY. Sit your butt down on this couch and become obsessed with characters who aren’t real,” and then I was like, “OK. I’ve had TOO MUCH of REAL LIFE anyway. Please pass the popcorn.” But I digress.
Shortly after we met, J introduced me to the glory that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The end of Season 2 caused me to have one of the top three ugliest cries of my life, and I’ve been through heartbreak and death and more… it was really that bad. I’ll never forget J saying (right after he comforted me by making a talking puppet out of a couch pillow): “Writers are assholes.”
I dare you to deny it. It isn’t just Games of Thrones and every series Joss Whedon ever touched. It’s true for the bulk of quality dramas. If you love a character, THEY WILL DIE. If two of your favorite characters finally fall in love, A HORRIBLE MISFORTUNE will befall them.
I’ve actually gotten so cynical that I can call these plot twists in advance, without any need for context. It’s horribly simple: If anyone is happy or peaceful for more than one episode, their life is about to get dragged straight to hell.
I’m watching True Blood now. (Really outdated spoilers ahead.) I just finished Season 1, and I called Adele’s death the moment she appeared on the screen. I shit you not! That little old grandmother was entirely too sweet and caring to live. I knew that Amy was going to die before it happened (Jason’s not allowed to be happy! Happiness is a boring quality in a main character!), and there was no doubt Tara’s newly-sober mother was going to disappoint her daughter yet again.
You can apply this theory to any popular show. Breaking Bad? OF COURSE Jane was going to die. Angel? There was never a SHRED of hope for Wesley and Fred’s happiness. It all boils down to writers working under the assumption that contentment makes for bad TV.
And who’s to say they’re wrong? I keep crawling back to Joss Whedon like a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship, asking him to break my heart one more time. This is why I watch TV: to have all the feelings that are too intense to be desirable in real life. The writers are just doing their job.
If I’m being honest, nothing gets me giddier than one of my readers telling me I made them cry. (Tears have been my goal in scribing every Mother’s Day card I ever wrote. If my mom doesn’t shed at least a few salty drops, I consider the celebration a failure.) So really, I’m as sick as anyone in the business.
Tell me: what TV moments broke your heart? (As Aussa said today, it’s still TOO SOON to talk about Oberyn.) And have you become a cynical know-it-all like I have, predicting the worst for your favorite characters so it won’t sting quite as badly when they’re inevitably offed?