Working Scripts for Sharknados 3 – 7

…apparently not.
In my head, I’ve already written the scripts for the next five films in the Sharknado franchise. (Because everything has to be a franchise now.  It’s no longer enough to have one beautiful film and leave it at that.)
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Sharknado 3: We Can’t Believe We’re Still Making These. The Sharknado first demolishes a hardware store, then a laser beam factory. Cement from the hardware store affixes lasers onto most of the sharks, creating utter chaos. Oh, and somehow the sharks fill a bunch of chainsaws with gas, clasp them in their fins, and pull the start cords. The boring old Sharknado is now a Chainsaws-and-Laser-Beams-Sharknado!
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Sharknado 4: Beastnado. The Sharknado tears through the San Diego Zoo. Lions, tigers, bears, and sharks now vie for supremacy within the Beastnado. The storm seems to purposefully follow an injured war vet who is just trying to protect his daughter. (The daughter is really cute and adorable, too. No one cares about protecting an ugly daughter.)
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Sharknado 5: Mein Shark. The Sharknado demolishes a secret government research lab and somehow absorbs the consciousness of Hitler. Liam Neeson makes a cameo. Not as Hitler, mind you.
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Sharknado 6: Red Peace. In an interesting twist on environmental policy, the Sharknado wreaks havoc on the Greenpeace “fleet.” This prompts a crisis of conscience for Abigale, the organization’s newest recruit. Part-time activist, part-time supermodel, Abigale has an autistic little brother who needs constant monitoring, and she’s inadvisably bought him along on her maiden voyage.
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Sharknado 7: Enter the Kringle. Somehow, the Sharknado threatens Christmas. A bunch of six-year-olds write to Santa begging him to undertake a suicide mission to stop it. There’s lots of science mumbo-jumbo mixed with Christmas magic, but the gist is that if Santa flies his sleigh directly into the Sharknado, everything will be OK.
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***This post was guest-written by my husband, J. If you didn’t understand why I loved him before, I expect you do now.
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51 responses to “Working Scripts for Sharknados 3 – 7

  1. This is hilarious. The first time I met Johnny Id he *made* me watch the first movie with him when he realized that one place we visited was featured in it….and now he’s asked me to tape the second one so we can watch it together when he’s here next week. The things we do for love ❤

  2. This makes me shake my head. The economy is in the toilet, but apparently the movie industry has money to burn. Oh wait, people keep throwing it at them for shit like this! I like J even more now, too.

      • And people wonder why I’m a depressed misanthropist. You can’t just look at it in terms of “The film company spent millions making this movie” but rather, that millions of people lined up, bought tickets, popcorn, etc… and spent an hour and a half watching it.”
        As a writer, realizing that this is what’s popular, it’s enough to make you just throw up your hands and say fuck it.

        • Oh, c’mon, Helena. It’s not the *only* popular thing. A movie that sets out to be terrible is so much better than one that takes itself completely seriously and then sucks.

          • I’ve just been having an eye-rolling day today after hearing a story on the radio about a woman who works full time baby-sitting people’s Farmville (and other such games) accounts.

          • That is one smart lady. It’s maddening, and disappointing for the human race… but also kind of ingenious.

            Did you know there’s a business where you prepay the owner (who is elderly) to look after your pets in heaven? Y’know, since she’ll get there sooner than you will.

  3. So… I didn’t watch the original… but, I’d probably watch these sequels. Yes, mostly for Liam Neeson and to see sharks with (freeking) laser beams on their heads. But, I’ve watched movies for sillier reasons.

    • OK, this is going to be the longest comment of all time, but you saying that means I have to include the follow-up bit from our friend Adam, in which he writes out a full scene from Enter the Kringle:

      FADE IN:

      WIDE ANGLE SHOT INSIDE SANTA’S CONTROL TOWER. Radar and computer screens flicker and pulse. The view from the panoramic windows shows a darkening horizon as Santa and Mindy come sprinting into the room. They stop and stare at a large, central monitor that is displaying scientific information.

      The wind is howling and the radar emits an urgent beeping that is gradually increasing in tempo.

      LOW ANGLE SHOT OVER TOP OF THE CENTRAL DISPLAY, ZOOMING IN SLOWLY ON THEIR FACES. Rage burns in Santa’s eyes. His beard is disheveled and dirty, dual assault shotguns slung over both shoulders. Mindy glances at him concernedly, her tanned midriff and sweaty décolletage showing through the tatters of her blood-stained lab coat.

      SANTA: The storm is almost here! We have to get out to the reindeer paddock!

      MINDY: We’ll never make it in time! You saw what those sharks did to your elves!

      SANTA: Damn it Mindy! It’s Christmas Eve. I don’t have a choice! Can’t you understand that?!?

      Santa pauses as a strong gust of wind rattles the control tower. He turns to Mindy and sees a look of confusion and fear on her face. His anger dissipates. He lets out a low, grim chuckle.

      SANTA (softly): No, of course you don’t understand… you’re just a weather scientist.

      MINDY: I’m also a marine biologist.

      SANTA: You’re a good girl Mindy. You always made my Good List. You stay here… I’m going to sleigh those naughty, naughty sharks.

      BACK TO WIDE ANGLE

      Santa lays a finger aside his nose, grabs both shotguns, and takes a running start toward the control tower window. He double foot jump kicks through the window and out into the storm.

      SANTA: HO! HO! HOOOOOOOOO!

      END SCENE

    • Your wish may soon be granted! He’s already working up ideas for 8 & 9:

      Sharknado 8: 100% More Bewbs. In this direct to DVD monstrosity, the Sharknado threatens to cancel the annual summer camp hosted by Victoria’s Secret. How will they train aspiring lingerie models (who are still exploring their sexuality) if they are overrun by sharks?

      Sharknado 9: Sharkmurica. The Sharknado takes on a mob of true patriots on the 4th of July.

  4. I saw this with my kids (you know, so I could teach them about good cinema.) (that was to give Helena a heart attack ahahhaha) ANYway, they loved it! It will be a classic because it’s so bad it’s good, youknow? I love movies like that.

    BTW – this made me think of SHARK WEEK which will be here August, 10th!! *happy dance*

    This is my first intro to J and my response to him is: *bossnod*

  5. Okay Jennie, so not only are you one of the sweetest thangs ever to hit the planet, now we find out you’re married to a freaking genius as well! So then, here’s fair warning, as soon as Sharknado 6: Enter The Kringle comes out I’m buying the box set and coming over to your place so J can give me the ultimate in “Extras Commentary” on each one…I shall be equipped with glittered popcorn, of course.

    • Do you know how happy it makes me to know you? You’re the Kris Kringle of nice comments! And hey… any chance you possess the ability to grow a very long, white beard? If so, we might fly you over to have you act as Santa in our cut-budget version – a project destined to receive international acclaim! When we all go for the screening at Cannes, we can drink beer while everyone else has champagne.

      • Well, Jennie, it just so happens there’s a photo of me at the bottom of my last post so you can judge for yourself if I fit the bill, yet.

        And, thanks, I try.

  6. Your husband sounds like my kind of guy – not that I’d poach him or anything (or even be able to ), because he’s YOUR guy – I’m just saying if your husband has a much older brother, who is also intelligent, witty, and a tad snarky, I am now available 🙂 PS, the post made me laugh – and the COMMENTS were hilarious! I think I was snorting a little.

    • You made me think of poached eggs, which made me think of this salad I make with spinach, bacon grease dressing, and poached eggs. And now I want bacon really, really badly.

      What were we talking about?

      Oh, right! J has a younger brother who isn’t married, but is in a relationship. I guess it all depends on how committed you are! 😉 Also, I think snorting is a sexy quality, and that is not in any way connected to the fact that I snort, too.

      Were you at BlogHer? If so, how was it? Was there snorting?

      • I was at BlogHer – my first time. I found it a bit intimidating at times, and I wasn’t terribly impressed with the breakout sessions (I thought I would learn more), but I really liked meeting other bloggers – especially those I had interacted with online. If I had it to do again, I would be a lot more assertive about meeting people – I feel like there were a lot of connections I could have made that I didn’t.

  7. Look at you all glammed out in a new pic! Fantastic. I love it. [Not you, sir. Your bride.] I MISSED Sharknado 2 last night because I live in a house full of women who are obsessed with The Food Network. They commandeered the TV and I couldn’t watch sharks rain down on my beautiful metropolis. I was lying in bed with a book sulking and THREE people texted me asking if I was watching and saying it was a hoot. Thank god for replays.

    • Thank you, thank you! I’m very pleased with the final product, given that it took two very patient makeup saleswomen, three failed attempts at applying lipstick properly, and about 19 selfies before I got that photo.

      Effortless beauty is not a thing, people. Natural, yes, but effortless, NO.

      My heart cries for you missing the premier. I suppose the silver lining is that as of today, all those people have already seen it and it will never be fresh entertainment for them again. But you? You still have two hours of brand-new, who-knows-what’s-gonna-happen cinematic genius ahead of you.

      (I watch everything a year after the fact on Netflix, so I make myself feel slightly better with this logic all the time.)

  8. MTM and I are so evil. We spent yesterday morning on an airplane. The movie was Captain America The Winter Soldier. We didn’t buy the headphones. Instead, we provided live narration based upon what was happening on the screen. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed a movie that much.

    Our seat mates hated us…………

    • I knew I liked you! Every Tuesday J and I go to the $2 theater and pick the worst movie they’re showing. We sit waaaaay in the back, eat popcorn, and whisper snarky comments the entire time.

      Lie narration definitely improves films like The Winter Soldier!

      On that note – have you heard of Riff Trax? They’re the professional version of this pastime. 🙂

  9. Oh my! Your husband may have missed his calling. I haven’t seen Sharknado, 1 or 2, but my son has. He became a little obsessed with bad B shark movies and had me watch one about a two-headed shark with him. It was beyond awful but I couldn’t turn away. It was nuts!!

    • J is (among other things) a script writer for kids’ TV shows. So, while he has to tone down the snark a bit, he gets to play with things like this a lot. 🙂

      What’s the name of the two-headed shark movie? I need to know… for research purposes!

  10. Does your husband have a Sharknado blog? Because I need a place to share al my feelings about this… franchise. I will be succinct here, in hope of a blog to come for peeps like me, and say I am already longing to see the “Mein Shark” episode. Yet I am also deeply moved by the brilliant dialogue in Kringle, and I quote:

    “SANTA: Damn it Mindy! It’s Christmas Eve. I don’t have a choice! Can’t you understand that?!?”

    Damn. That hits me hard.

    • Maybe if you’re a very good girl this year, Magpie, Santa will invite you to be an extra in his shark-smashing extravaganza!

      …Sadly, J does not run an exclusively shark/weather-focused blog, so if you feel you’ve found your new life’s calling, you may take up the mantle of Sharknado. But be careful – it’s lined with teeth and fury.

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